Writing about staying sober

Journal

 

Entries

March 15, 2017

I stayed sober all day!

Do you ever just miss the not giving a fuckness? I just want to check out sometimes. I’m not even stressed. I just want a break--- my mind--- it’s like a constant tape on loop and it never stops.

I needed a night alone. I don’t think I’ve ever taken a night for myself. Why do I want to make damn sure that people know I’m still struggling? Do I miss the attention of being freshly sober? Yeh I do. I know I won’t go back out but still I want people to know the risk is always there. That I’m still a hurt little girl.

 

March 16, 2017

Feeling so, so, so grateful for the gift of sobriety today.

I never thought I could get 5 months. I never thought this was possible. I’m so God damn lucky. I should be dead but I’m not. It seems so unfair that I get this gift. Why me? Why do I deserve it? In the past 5 months the amount of fucked up shit I’ve done is so minimal. I’ve probably actually helped some people how fucked up is that? I can’t get over what a blessing this is. Even when it sucks it's a Goddamn blessing.

 

March 21, 2017

Understanding emotional sobriety. Not drinking is not enough.

We believe in our false self that if we can become that false self then we will be happy. This is not an intellectual process. Recovery has to be a way of life. We are always trying to get out of our emotional jail. Trying to get others to do this for us. My failure to grow up. I’m on an emotional merry go round. I deal with unconscious fears, convinced I’ve hidden my Mr. Hyde.

Shattered Sober

Broken,

Shattered,

Myself into sharp edges.

Sharp edges where a real person once stood

Shattered pieces that dug away at my soul

Cutting, chopping, snorting my existence away

Addiction shattered me

Me shattered me

Cuts so deep I couldn’t go on

 

Picking up pieces only to

Shatter each again

Smaller pieces becoming smaller

Resembling me little

My existence shattering still more


 

Now the shattering is done

Painstaking in putting each piece

Into place

Still unable

One piece fixed, while another shatters still

The balance impossible

Fixing all those pieces, I can’t

I just can’t

The pieces slip through and fall crashing

Crashing, crying, screaming into still more

God help me

Put back together the pieces of a life

I shattered so recklessly.

Please I’m so broken still

Still so broken

LETTER TO MYSELF ON CHRISTMAS 

 

Kate,

 

Amazing you have 434 days of sobriety! That is so great I'm so happy for you! Getting sober was the best decision you ever made for yourself. It is the only way to live. Make a list of all the things you are still doing to protect your sobriety. I'm glad you really took this year to heal yourself and to move forward and care for yourself. I'm so glad you just didn't worry about dating. Now you can take time to find someone who fits a sober lifestyle. You probably have at least 5000 Instagram followers, written more blog post, and made awesome blogs.

 

Don't forget how important you are because people need you to find their own sobriety I hope you are done with at least one semester of your master's program.

 

Love,

 

Kate

 


Date: 12-25-17

LETTER TO MYSELF ON CHRISTMAS

Kate,

 

Merry Christmas and congrats on 799 days sober! I'm so proud of you for continuing to give to AA in the way that it was so freely given to you. I hope you are sponsoring at least two girls and continuing to work diligently with Jade. I hope you and Wyatt found a nice safe place to live and are happily engaged. I hope you are continuing to cherish the gift of love that God has given to you. I hope you finally believe you are a good partner and deserving of love. I hope you are still finding joy in your Kinder class and continuing to keep yourself out of harm's way at work. Remember to keep your head down, your mouth shut, and just do the work the best you can. I hope you have found a simple easy solution to your lack of energy. And if not, please tell me you have stopped beating yourself up over it. You are not lazy. You are doing the best you possibly can with the energy level God has given you.

 

I hope mom and dad are so proud of you. And they can still rest easy at night knowing you are safe.

 

I knew this year would bring about major changes, but I also knew you would handle it with grace and dignity.

Love,

Kate


Date: 8-17-17

Is alcoholism a disease?

 

Okay, but really is alcoholism a disease?

 

As a person diagnosed with severe addiction disorder, and a self-proclaimed alcoholic, I can't even count how many times I've said, “Hi, my name is Kate, I'm an alcoholic.” Before I started my recovery journey I only had Hollywood's image of AA meetings to go off of. This image is just way off. Just go to one AA meeting if you don't believe me.(See how tricky I can be?)

 

I've read the doctor's opinion in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, put quotes here. but is alcoholism really a disease?

 

I heard a speaker once say that alcoholism is like you're drowning in a pool. Your frontal lobe of your brain knows you're in the water and if you breathe you'll die. But at a certain point, the Primal part of your brain kicks in and forces your body to take a large gasp of air but because you're underwater your lungs fill with water. And you die. This experience is very similar to someone suffering from alcoholism. We know it's bad our frontal lobe knows we will die if we drink but at a certain point are Primal brain kicks in and we are drinking. This has been the most accurate description of what alcoholism feels like that I have ever come across.

 

So I decided to do some research (thank God for Google!)

 

1. A disorder of structure or function in humans especially ones that produce specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury. Okay, so by the definition I could see how my alcoholism could be a disease. I showed the symptoms, blackout, shakiness, craving, aggression, compulsive Behavior, self-destructive, anxiety, guilt, nausea, vomiting, delirium, and fear

 

2. The American Medical Association declared that alcoholism illness in 1956 according to 2 the theory genes played a strong role. List everyone in my family has an alcoholic here.